3.3.06

paralysed

J/TOHA's second post! (The first was months ago.)

True Love

I held my mom's left hand, the weak side, and asked if she could grasp my hand. She said it was impossible, and told us not to force her to try.

"Don't give up. Keep focusing on it. Train your mind to understand that this is your hand, and you want it to move when you tell it to."

"Don't force me lah."

Deep down, I was a little disappointed by her response, but I couldn't help but to liken her situation to mine. Definitely not a fair comparison, but I felt, at that very moment, paralsyed. Not literally or physically, but my mind was numbed, blurred and confused.

Life at work has just gotten worse. What's new, most of you who know me might say. I don't think I want to elaborate how bad it has gotten, but just take it that it is so bad I felt like tendering my resignation on the spot this morning. A month back, I had kind of decided that I would quit my job this May and to enrol in a full-time design course with what little savings Y and I have. Boy, I felt so free then.

Things have changed, of course.

Since my mom was hospitalised, quite a few things have popped into my mind. First, that I am an unfilial son. I have been living away from my folks for several years now, and I visit them no more than 6 times a year. Thinking back, I could have paid more attention to my mom's diabetic condition. Perhaps if I had taken better care of her, brought her to see a specialist, she might not be down with stroke.

Second, the medical expenses for her hospital stay and the later healthcare, equipment and other costs means that I would now need to delay my plan of leaving my job. I feel trapped, once more.

So it does feel like I had the stroke - a stroke that has left me "bedridden" in my job and I would need to start learning again how to deal with the daily struggles of work.

Really need to pray for direction and guidance - when will it be time for me to move on to a new job, if at all; and for my mom's spirit, so that she will not give up on herself. I tell myself that if these two major issues can be resolved, my "stroke"
may just be cured.

13 comments:

Cowboy Caleb said...

Hang in there, the feeling will pass. You won't feel this way a month from now.

ampulets said...

Thanks, cowboy. The job thingy has been hanging over me for almost 1 year-ish. That's why when I decided to resign, I feel so relieved. I am not sure if I would or not feel this way then, but if all goes smoothly, my mom would be discharged. And when she move back home, another set of issues will surfaced, and another set of costs. Just hope she get better in time.- TOHA

wahj said...

Have faith that things will get better. take care of yourself in the meantime as well.

. said...

hey.chin up, now is a time for faith.maybe it's a sign, the timing.=)

sUdkeOki said...

aii...so much happened in such a short time. tough stuff. will pray. wat kinda job would u happily leave this present one for?
in the meantime, press on, just as u hope ur mom to do, and just as He is persevering wif u.

ampulets said...

Thanks, guys. Guess there's nothing else I can do, but to trust God. Seems like such an easy thing to do, but in actual fact, it takes alot to be totally reliance on the Lord. the original plan is to take up a design course and hopefully, with some freelance work, i will be able to get back, while studying. So some design-related work that pay ok, will be good. other than that, I am aslo looking at pure marcom jobs that have very little or no media element. Y & I have been doing some freelance, design work for her bro's events/ marketing co. The pay is quite peanuts, but I guess you have to start small.

Last night we have a family meeting at the hospital late night. There was a big argument, quite ugly. I hope all of us will try to put aside our self-needs as much as possible, at least for the next couple months, so that we can all focus on helping mom recover as much, make sure dad feels that he need not worry too much. I believe the first few months of treatment/ recovery is quite important for stroke patients.

. said...

did you consider my advice on just assisting a design firm or something? even being a coffee boy or whatever, you can learn alot from the people there. design courses in school can be abit of a waste of money. And regarding freelance work, get a portfolio together and I can hook you up here and there with some of the people I've met while doing the rounds.
You need to get your name out, I believe in the work you guys are doing!

ampulets said...

Thanks, Jing, for believing in our work. :)
the option of being assistant at design firm or kopi boy are not really options now, because financial commitment to my mom's hospital bill lor. I need a job that can pay at least $2K, only that I could possibly continue to contribute my mom's bill and maintain basic survival monthly. Actually, I keep my options open. We will do up a portfolio of sort too, once we have time that is...- TOHA.

. said...

I've been bugging you guys to do up a portfolio since god knows when. Get the fuck down to it!jeez! at least that way there'll be enough time to circulate your work around in the meantime. you may be able to get jobs on assignment basis that way
Plus there have been quite a number of illustrative jobs for advertisements, and they're all out there waiting, so get your fucking portfolio done and circulated before I come over with my 5kg camera and slam it over your heads repeatedly

ampulets said...

haha...yes sir! we promise to put one together, but at the moment with full-on work and all the family duties, I think will have time only, er, 4 weekends later. we old liao lah, can only stay awake until 2am...actually we took on some small freelance corporate design assignments recently (poster, a mascot and a corporate logo), which pays crap (token $ only, considering the time it takes). So it'll be good to do more fun, illustration work instead.

ampulets said...

I said it would be good to be paid a decent rate for the time and effort put in, for these freelance job. Anyone out there could offer me an indicative freelance rate for work like poster (various size), illustration, logo (with no corp ID manual), cards (various sizes), etc.

Jing, dont be so violent lah. ;)-TOHA

. said...

freelance design jobs? man that is lower on the food chain than graphic design firms, and those are already pretty low on the food chain...
an ad job I was running for had put aside $500 for an illustration that was to incorporated into an ad.

I'm getting paid about $100 a page for magazine photos, I'm wondering how much they would be willing to pay for a few illustrations.

downunder said...

Hi J,

Jing is right, get your portfolio going. You still need to attend the design course as i believe it gives you the basic understanding of design. Sorry to hear about your mum. You take good care of yourself.

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