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writings and drawings when I am not daydreaming

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At home in yourself

art-design MissingJ personal

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Fear

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On receiving

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strong words

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seek ye first

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On making decisions

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On Walking

art-design HDB MissingJ personal things we make

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time

MissingJ personal

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because

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moving on

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the beholder

MissingJ personal

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46 going on 16

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Here's looking at you, kid.

MissingJ personal

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Facing Reality

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Saying goodbye

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On Failure

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On Forgetting

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On Choice

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On Things, nice things

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On Nakedness

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Popular Posts

On Moths and Meaning

Moths have been appearing in the house these past few weeks. They are small, maybe 2-3cm in wing span, and of the grey, furry variety.

miracle man

I can never quite tell if Ma J is asleep or just pretending The old lady in the bed next to Ma J's is in hospital because of a second stroke. When we were visiting Ma J this afternoon, the old lady's middle-aged son was also there. He was in his usual round-neck tee tucked into a pair of blue jeans with a belt made of buffalo hide. His limbs are slim, but his belly is round. His bald head, too, is round and abnormally large for his small frame. Let's call him Ah Biao , or if you prefer an English name, you can think of him as Bill (after his buffalo hide belt). When J and I walked out of the ward, Ah Biao or Bill followed us. Three of us stood around the counter by the nurses' work area. J and I were quiet, enjoying the break. Then Ah Biao wanted to show us something special. "Eh, I show you something." Ah Biao unzipped his black waist pouch and took out a small yellow cloth pouch. He untied the colourful string that secured the opening of the pouch. He weigh...

on a Hou Hsiao Hsien movie set

By the tracks of the Jiji Station, the oldest train station in Taiwan OK, not quite. We did not even manage to go all the way south to Hou Hsiao Hsien's KaoShiung or even Tainan, but we did venture out from Taipei for 3 days to Taichung. But the real takeaway was actually this supposed feature of Hou Hsiao Hsien's films - trains! Trains are about the best thing about traveling. Unlike cars and taxis, trains are a social mode of transport. Train stations allow for reunions and departures, points to assess and affirm relationships. I admit that all this fades away when you are tired or in a great hurry (or both). But seriously, cars (oh, 4-wheelers!) have only brought about pollution and wasteful consumption, traffic jams, asphalt, mindless obsession with speed and countless quarrels in the stressful, enclosed interiors of cars. Friends, take it slow. Take the train. Read a book. Hold your partner's hand. Be there with the people around you. With Taiwan's highspeed rail ...

time

[Trigger warning: this post mentions death and suicide.]

Lust, Caution

Cover illustration by Eileen Chang/Zhang Ailing for her own book 流言 (trans. Rumour) There are 3 reasons to watch Lust , Caution , and for this I shall quote the folks sitting around, beside and behind J and I in the cinema on Saturday. [warning: spoilers ahead] (1) "[gasp]...so cute" Even the dogs, cute white ones or saggy-faced Alsatians, play their role well. Every single member of the cast was superb. (2)"Wah, Louis Vuitton ah" This film being set in wartime Shanghai and Hong Kong, the costumes (and yes, the suitcases were beautiful too) and art direction are excellent. But because the film could be seen as a play within a film, starting first with the group of over zealous students taking their anti-Japanese play too seriously beyond the stage to the dangerous real world and eventually going undercover as spies for the resistance, the idea of stage and reality, deception and truth gets, a fabricated reality vs real life drama require elaborately set up apartment...

On Failure

first Amps photo together - taken on Polaroid 2001 It is inevitable that we all experience failure.

Saying goodbye

Sleeping J, portrait circa 2006. When archiving images of J recently, I discovered many photographs and drawings I made of him asleep. This is probably quite typical. Your partner, when asleep, will look extra adorable. If not for work, I can spend my mornings just looking at his sleeping face. Of course these sleeping portraits are like death masks. Friends you always ask how am I doing. The concern is sometimes embarrassing. I am definitely doing okay. God has been good. The feeling of gratitude is real. I am blessed with friends, family and both purpose and provision in my work. Many people dealing with the death of a spouse are supported by much less and deal with a whole lot more - young children, ailing parents, a loss of income or subsistence. This is also how I try to keep self-pity at bay.

Here's looking at you, kid.

When you look at the lifeless body of someone, they never quite look like themselves.

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